Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Its about making memories worth repressing
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
