Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
