at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just invented taco cereal.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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