Plan B is the new Plan A
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
