Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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