I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
