i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
