I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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