I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
