The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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