nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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