My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
