you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
