ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
