I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
