I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
What a dumb baby whore.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
