Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
organizing the empties. That sober.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
