went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
