the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
