I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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