im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
