you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
