You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
