he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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