Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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