My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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