I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
