Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
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That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
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I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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