I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
