Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
