just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
