Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
