I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
