people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
