Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
