Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just want nice things and good sex
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
