Apparently you make a good broom.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just want nice things and good sex
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
