i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
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