I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
