The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
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