I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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