You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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