you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
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I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
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She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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