If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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