my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
All the doctor said was why
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
