Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
