Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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