lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
