I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
