I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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