No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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