My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
