I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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