i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
My ass is underappreciated
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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