I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I don't think brook has ever known best
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
