Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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