Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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