ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Randomize
