I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
