I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
