so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
