I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
