This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
