What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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